Goodbye.

Flashbacks enter through my mind,
so many questions with no answer i could find,
you left me without saying anything,
just left me hanging, crying and wondering.

What have i done to deserve this shit??
i thought our love would be infinite,
am i that easy to forget?!
oh well, i assure you one day youll regret it !

Dont go near me, i dont need you
You dont need to explain, stop it can you?!
i dont wanna hear your stupid excuses,
im no longer a fool, i've came up to my senses !

i dont wanna try anymore,
scared to get hurt just like before..
i'll no longer listen to another lie,
this time, i'll rather say goodbye.

Broken, again ;(

Never thought it would be this hard,
its like my heart was ripped apart,
Bittersweet memories left on my heart,
i want to forget you but how could i start?

They say to move on is the right thing to do,
because you already found someone new,
inside my mind i want to,
but in my heart i doubt if i could do.

think you're better off without me,
you're already settled with another lady,
see how unfair life can be ?!
you've already moved on while i still wait for you patiently.

i wonder if you still remember,
those times when we were still together,
those I love you's and I miss you's that we shared,
Oh! how i miss the way you cared!

But if this is the end of our story,
then maybe i should learn to be happy,
even though you aren't anymore with me,
even if it really hurts so deeply.

It's okay, i will be fine.
Don't worry about this heart of mine,
i know i could move on and cease to cry,
maybe not now but at the right time.

.

Ui naa ko'y stalker. Haha peace yo! ;P
You know who you are!

#willdeleteposts.

She loved you..

But you never realized that until it was too late, the words you told her were just lies, you took her for granted and took advantage of her heart, now she’s hurt, she wonders how you could treat her the way you did when all she did was love you? She questions everything you say because all you did was lie to her, you abused her trust and now it’s gone… Your Apologies mean nothing to her now because you say them so often only to hurt her again later on. Now you have nothing, she decided to leave because you treated her wrong and she got tired of the pain, tired of being used, tired of being your option..

:(

Kahit minalas ako ngayong araw, OKAY lang.
Kahit badtrip ako ngayon, OKAY lang.
Kahit malungkot ako, OKAY lang.
Kahit hindi ka na nagtetext, OKAY lang.
Kahit hindi ka na nagpaparamdam, OKAY lang.
Kahit namimiss na kita, OKAY lang.
Kahit wala ka nang pakialam sa akin, OKAY lang.
Kahit hindi mo na ako mahal, OKAY lang.
Kahit nasasaktan na ako, OKAY lang.
Kahit brokenhearted ako ngayon, OKAY lang.
Kahit gusto ko nang sumuko, OKAY lang.
Kahit kinalimutan mo na ako, OKAY lang.
Kahit hindi ako talagang okay, OKAY lang.


:) I’ll just smile and pretend na okay lang ako, kahit deep inside angsakit na T_T

What happened to us?

   No communication. Kahit tawag o text man lang wala akong natanggap. Kahit isang mention lang sa twitter wala. Kahit isang PM lang sa Facebook… wala talaga eh. Ayaw talaga nyang magparamdam..
   Paulit-ulit na lang na ganito. Itetext ko sya pero di naman nagrereply. Pinatatamaan ko sya sa mga gm at status ko pero no reaction parin. In-unfriend ko nga sya facebook eh. Kasi angsakit! Alam mo yung feeling na makita ang mga pictures nya together with his friend.. angsakit. Tangina. Di ko mapigilan ang selos.
   Minsan naiisip ko, mahal ba talaga nya ako? Pano kung laro laro lang pala ang lahat na to para sa kanya? Pano kung isang araw sabihin nya na lang bigla “Ayy sinabi ko ba talagang mahal kita? Joke lang yun noh, naniwala ka naman.” Pota. Pag nangyari yun, ewan ko lang. May mapapatay ako. hahaha. Dejokelang. Bahala sya noh. Hindi lang naman sya ang lalaki sa mundo. Andami pang nakapila. Pero kasi.. sa kanila, sya lang ang gusto ko. Sya lang ang minahal ko ng ganito..
   Minsan, gusto ko na sanang sumuko. Kaso di ko alam kung alin ang tamang gagawin. Anghirap kasi. Urggh! Bakit ba naman kasi siya nagbago??? Angsweet nya noon eh. Lalo na nung di pa kami. He never failed to make me smile. Pero ngayon? Ewan. Nagmumukha akong tanga, umaasa parin sa kanya. 
   Pero siguro nga hindi naman talaga sya nagbago. Baka nga nag expect lang talaga ako nang masyado. Pero hindi naman masamang masaktan diba? Hindi nya ako pinapansin eh. Sa tingin mo dapat ikasaya ko yun?! Bilang babae, ayoko ng relasyong masyadong PDA, pero at least man lang sana hindi sya mahiyang ipakita ako sa ibang mga tao. Sana hindi sya mahiyang sabihin na ako ang girlfriend niya. Kung mahal nya talaga ako, ipaglaban nya ako. Hindi yung ganito. Nakaka’BV lang tong relasyong to eh!~

;]

   She's a dreamer, a hopeless romantic, a reality-escapist. She believes in fairytales. She believes that someday she would have her own lovestory, a story unlike Cinderella's or Snow White's. A story with its own happy ending. She believes that there's a guy who's right for her, someone who would love her despite the fact that she's imperfect, someone who would accept her flaws.. She believes in shooting stars and 11:11 wishes. She's just an ordinary girl existing in this big complicated world, wishing and hoping for a little happiness in her life, craving for that love that she never felt, thirsting for care from the person she loves so much but no assurance if he loves her back. She's not expecting a perfect life. she just wants a life which is simple yet happy, together with that guy. <3

Rawr :((

Oh God ><
Im starting to lose hope ! Im starting to lose every ounce of faith i have in You ..
Shit this feeling. Fvck :((

i miss you ..

  it's still 1:45 AM, and here i am writing again ... i just woke up, awaken from a dream.. i dreamt of you, again. Dreamt of that scene that i only see in movies, that scene that only lives in my imagination, that scene which is a pure fiction. Oh i know, this is just my illusion, a big illusion !

   Why can't i move on ? why can't i go away from the midst of this bizzare delusion ? It's like i was trapped with the thought of you .. every detail of you, seems like i memorized it on my mind .. the aroma and scent of your perfume .. your charming eyes that shows more beauty when you smile.. your lips that seem to be perfect whenever you smile .. and everything that makes up your face that seems to hypnotize me .. i was mesmerized by you, to the point that i could stare all day long at your picture...

  i miss you. everything of you. and i miss the "old me". That me when i was with you.. the way it felt whenever i see you. the way my heart flutter whenever you go near me. the way i smile and blush unconsciously. Now, the happiness and joyous feelings were all gone, like a balloon blown away by the wind. all that is left is agony because i know that you can never be mine. but i still have that little hope. that hope that someday you will be, that someday i can find myself in your arms. and if that happens, I swear I'll scream and tell the world that fairytales do come true! i hope so ...

#iLoveYou.YouKnowWhoYouAre :))

=_=

   Do I really matter? That's what I always ask to myself whenever I find a time to be alone on my own. Every night before I go to sleep, I keep on contemplating my thoughts, asking myself if am I important to anyone else, but end up crying because the answer is too painful to bear.
   I'm just a burden to my family. I'm the black sheep bringing problems and misfortune to my parents. I feel like an outcast, like I don't belong. It seems like I'm just invisible to their eyes.
  Sometimes I feel like I want to be sick just for them to notice me. But I think they still won't care. Im just nothing, right? I'm just a great "mistake" born in this world, and it's better if I leave this fucking place. Nobody cares anyways.
Im just an ordinary child, craving for a little affection and love. :|

im .. SAD . and nobody KNOWS, and nobody CARES.

These depressing thoughts are just killing me, draining me mentally and hurting me emotionally. My mind is full of questions still waiting for their "convincing" answers. The answers are just a matter of a Yes or a No. and though I know the right thing to do, I still choose to do the wrong one, hoping that I would find the happiness that I've been longing for. I still believe on the lies, because the truth just hurts me. I'm just living in lies, believing in my own fantasy even though I already know it's impossible.. still chasing my dreams that will never come true...


..im uninspired. i don't know how to write, or maybe I just don't know what to write. Seems like the thought of everything that I write are just the same-- that im sad, uninspired, and any of that content. Im stricken with monotone emotions. And in the shrouded midst of unstable emotions, I still miss you; you and you only. URGGH. >.< i want to forget you, but in everything that I do, I still find myself thinking of you again. :(((


#PagMoveOnNaLageBuh!!!!DiNangPirminteNalangKaDepressedTungodNiya. :|

Eh kasi naman eh !!

i want to forget you! </3

hangover ba ? haha lol :)
hindi ako uminom noh! picture lang eh. :))

#Unfriend nalang arun makalimtan </3

Random.

I haven't seen you for so long. and you know what, i miss you. and i hate it 'cause i know i shouldn't be feeling this way. I should not be in love with you 'cause I know you can never reciprocate my love. Since that day that you didnt talk to me anymore, i felt empty inside. i felt incomplete. i felt like there's something missing in my life. And I've lost something so important. I lost that genuine smile of mine. That smile that showed "real happiness".. for now all i can do is to fake a smile and hide the sadness that i feel inside.

Regrets :\

   Twenty-seventh day of the month.. our special day, the day that we (or am I only?) treasure the most. We decided to give each other a gift. He said he wants a letter so I gave him one. On that letter contains the words I've been longing to tell him, phrases that describe my emotions. I wrote there the feelings that I've hidden, and now, I'm full of regrets. It's like my pride was lost. i hate it but it's so BADUY! I haven't seen the way he reacted when he read it but I can imagine him laughing. It was like a deja vu, sad to say that it happened again. The only difference is that I "voluntarily" gave a letter to my first love (3 years ago), while to this guy, he was the one who asked for it. Every night i think about it and I just can't help but to worry because he didn't call nor text me since he read the letter. I'm scared on what he would say.
   I saw his pictures together with his friend, and it's like bitterness overflowed through my heart. Jealousy has stricken me. I want him to pay his attention only to me, but then it dwelled in my mind that I don't have the right to.. I'm just a "FAKE-GIRLFRIEND." We're not really lovers and in the first place, he didn't court me. Though he told me that he loves me, but there isn't a commitment between the two of us. I'm just assuming, and I don't have any little bit of right to blame him for being with someone else.

#iMYJai</3

iMissThis!

i miss the band members. i miss my band uniform, i miss my lyre. i miss everything. haha. Epic face. XD

Analine :)

If there's one person that I would treasure the most forever, i think it's Analine.She's not my closest friend nor my best friend, but she's the only person who understands me and patiently stays beside me. She's always there to listen to my endless rants about my problems in life. She gives me advices like a real sister does. She values every little thing that everyone give her. Through ups and downs, she's just there ready to help me, and catch me when i fall. She's truly a gift from God to me.
  Unfortunately, her family got a big problem and there's a great possibility that they would transfer home. i hope it won't happen. i dont want to lose a one-of-a-kind friend like her.

#imGonnaMissYouMartian;(

-__-

Masakit yung hindi ka kayang mahalin ng taong mahal mo ng sobra .. pero may masakit pa dun .. yung mahal mo sya, mahal ka nya, pero di ka naman kayang ipaglaban sa iba.
-__- i hate it ! f*ck this thing they call LOVE ! :(

#alam mo yung feeling na parang kami, parang hindi -- M.U ? Malabong usapan eh ! Okaay, ayoko na lang mag-assume. Nag-"I love you" nga sya pero wala namang promise diba ? Walang niligawan, walang sinagot. Walang COMMITMENT. kaya wag ka ng umasa!! Shocks. -__-

"I WANT TO BE HER"

   That's what i always hear from people. Some of them wishes to be me, but oh c'mon! If you get into my position and see life in my own perspective, you surely wouldn't want to be me. I see life as very complicated. Mine is falling apart, I've got my own set of problems and i face a lot of challenges in my life. But i'm used to this kind of pain anyways. I've learned to go with the flow. I've learned to play life's games. It's making me crazy, though, because it's hard to put on the proper smile. There are times that the problem is too big that faking a smile is the least and hardest thing i could do..
   In this kind of life i live, i realized that not all people would stay, some of them would leave, and others just don't care .. i feel alone, like an outcast in the family. I feel like no one would stay by me until the end, like no one could understand me anymore. But then I've got these friends of mine. They're the ones whom i share my secrets with. They make me happy - or rather make me smile & laugh. And with that, i realized that God is still good to me. Now, i don't feel happy, though i don't feel sad, it's just a neutral feeling, just a plain one, emotionless maybe? But i know, I'm sure, that I am blessed and that's enough reason for me to be grateful for my life. It's enough reason for me to smile even though i'm hurting deep inside.

ambot nako !

   Sleepless nights and restless days .. i feel sick and tired , not physically but emotionally ... my mind just wont stop thinking about what's happening in my life, about the things that i've done, and about the things that i heard from other people ... i know these problems are just God's way to test my faith for Him , but isn't this enough ? i mean, i just got tired ! My life's just like a cycle .. i feel happy now but sad later , happy again then feel sad over and over again .. maybe i can say that i've never been genuinely happy, like my body intricated into masking all the lowly stumped feelings i've always had, shoved in a hidden keepsake locked deep down in my heart ...
   its just that something always tries to ruin the moment whenever i feel happy .. the joyous feeling is just a temporary one , that fades away after a short period of time .. it was like a "high on life" adrenaline , felt for just an hour or two .. the happiness left as quick as they came ... was i ever really happy ? that's the question in my mind .. -_-

nganu na man kooo ???

   i've been rude to you , i was so mean , i showed you my bad side , and told you that i don't care for you .. i've built these walls to know if you really love me , if you love me enough to climb up those walls .. i thought you would fight for me , but i guess i was wrong .. you gave up easily .. you valued your pride much more than you valued me .. and it hurts to see that the spark between us faded away .. it hurts to know that you're not in love with me anymore .. it hurts to see you with someone new .. but i can't blame you .. i admit it was my fault , and im sorry about that.. :(

#iLoveJ.

random thoughts ..

BALIAD , that's my last name .. the way most people call me ... but i realized i'm not that person anymore .. i mean, Baliad is already dead .. she was that weak little girl who allow her classmates to underestimate her .. now, im HARIZ, the stronger one .. the girl who doesn't allow anyone to step over her ..
   that's why as much as possible , i don't want to be called "Baliad" anymore .. i have a name ! is it hard to call me with my first name ? is it hard to call me HARIZ ??!!

im sorry ... :(

   Actually, ginusto ko rin naman to eh .. i wanted to be strong, strong enough that nobody would think that i am inferior to them.. strong enough to defend myself whenever they criticize me.. but i never expected that being strong means to become coldhearted .. i never wished to be like this .. its not part of what i prayed to God .. but maybe this is what i need, to avoid from getting hurt .. i know im too selfish to say that i'd rather hurt others than to let myself get hurt .. but, isn't it my time to be happy ? all my life i've been growing up in a world where im never enough, where im not appreciated, and where my mistakes are greatly observed by others .. so tell me , isn't it my time to be happy now ? im sorry if im already hurting someone else because of my harsh words and mean acts, but i just learned it from other people .. its just a cycle .. a cycle that will never cease ..

March 10 - Saturday

   i hate this feeling .. i look like crazy, thinking about the events that happened, laughing alone and blushing unconsciously. This sense of longingness, longing to see him everyday. The way my heart flutters whenever he go near me ..
   Thoughts of him are still lingering in my mind .. the way he hugged me that day .. is there a reason behind that hug ? the way he smiled to me showing a spark in his eyes .. and the way he make an effort for him to see me ..
  Yet, im confused.. confused with those things that he do. Does he really love me, or does he have another purpose ? i dont know what his intention is, whether it is good or bad .. Some months ago, he told me, he even said it aloud, that he would never fall for me .. then why is he running after me now ?
   im so confused ... i don't know how to figure out anymore the right and the wrong .. because in everything that i do, there's always a consequence .. and i dont want my happiness to turn into sadness ..

Confused :\

   Confusion .. that's what i feel now .. You know that feeling when love and hate collide ? That time when you need to choose between happiness and pride .. In my mind, i hate him, but my heart says that i love him .. i want to show him what i really feel, but at the same time, i want to show him that i hate him ..

:|

... i dont think you remember what you told me that day, and you have no clue how much i think about that .. it's in my head all of the damned time . -_-
You said you would never fall for me ..
Then why are you still running after me now ?

.

Someday, bonggacious ako wedding .. NANGANGARAP? haha XD.

.mas bongga pa sa mga previous decorations ni Tatay! HAHA :P

joke ra bitaw ui. :) pics diay na sa mga kasal nga

gidecorate.an sa ako father. 

Reminiscing the Past ...

    Because of Facebook’s new feature, Timeline, I was able to view my posts before. It hurts to see those comments and messages that contain hurtful words. People were just so mean. They treated me as if I was just an object, a numb thing that couldn’t feel pain. If they just know how they affected me…

    I realized that there were a lot of changes in me, not just physically but also emotionally. I noticed that I have grown up. I’m not that little girl anymore. I’m not that child being bullied by her classmates. I became a lady, a strong and courageous one.

    I remember back then, I was a very pathetic person. Though I have never shown others, I have cried a hundred times when I was alone, because of the unjust criticisms they told about me. Those judgmental looks of them, observing every move I make and every step I take. The way they judged my looks and laugh on what I wear. Those stupid glares whenever I make a small mistake. Those were just the times. Bad times. The moments that changed me into a better person. Memories that I don’t want to remember anymore. Those were just part of my horrible past.

    They say to forgive is to forget. So, do I need to have an amnesia before I forgive those people? How can I forget the things that they’ve done? How can I forget the past, if it has been a big part of my life.. because it was the reason why my vision for life had changed. Why I hated life and why I wanted to end my fuckin’ life.

    Yes, I want to forgive the people behind those memories, but every time I see them, every time I hear them talk, I begin to remember every detail of my horrible past… and end up getting hurt again..

March 1, 2012

Lying on her bed,
with plenty of thoughts in her head,
a liter of tears she had already shed,
just for a guy who never even cared.

a million flashbacks in her mind,
reminiscing the memories they left behind,
convincing herself that she'll be fine,
maybe not now but at the right time.

She always ask God,
if she's already very bad,
and if He's already mad,
for letting something ruin the friendship they once got?

Those moments turns into memories,
and happiness turns into agony,
his vows are signs of his deceit and dishonesty,
that proves that promises are just meant to be broken, really.

Deep inside she knows,
that she has to move on and close,
close the box of memories and cease to mourn,
'cause those were just pictures to burn.

lalalala :P

Parang first time na hindi lang puro "love" ang nasa isip ko.. hindi lang puro crushes ang pinoproblema ko.. ngayon, Im thinking about my life.. bakit ba puno ito ng kamalasan? puno ng mga problemang parang imposibleng isolve. Parang mas gusto ko pang mag-answer ng isandaang math equations kesa pagdaanan ang sangkatutak na mga problema.
Bat pa ba ako magtataka? ito naman talaga ang reality diba? ito ang buhay, puno ng problema. ika'nga nila, life and suffering can never be separated. Weh? Di nga? .. eh pwede mag-escape na lang sa reality? God, kunin mo na lang kasi ako oh... Sabi nila duwag daw yung mga nagpapakamatay kasi di nila kayang harapin ang katotohanan ng buhay. Pero alam ba nilang mas duwag ang mga taong nasa isip na yun pero di magawa? kasi di lang naman nila nagagawa yun dahil takot sila kung ano man ang naghihintay sa kanila sa kabilang buhay. Oo, duwag ako. Inaamin ko yun. Sa dinami-dami ba naman kasi ng mga kasalanang nagawa ko, sigurado na kong sa hell ako mapupunta. Yan lang naman ang kinatatakutan ko eh. yan lang ang dahilan kung bakit di ko magawa ang tinatawag nilang suicide..
Ngayon ko lang naranasan tong parang mag-isa na lang ako. Ang tanging importante na lang sa akin ay ang mga kaibigan ko. Ayokong iwan sila.
Ba't ganun? kung sino pa yung akala ko kakampi ko until the end, iniwan ako sa ere? akala ko sila ang makakapitan ko pag may problema. akala ko forever silang mags-stay. Yun pala hindi ko kakampi sa buhay ang aking pamilya. Ngayon ko mas naramdaman na im not part of our family. para lang akong invisible sa kanilang paningin.. parang.. ewan..
What if tumalon na lang ako sa tulay? o iligaw ko sarili ko sa kakahuyan at magpakain sa leon? o kaya magbigti? laslas na lang kaya? Tssk. Nakakainis naman eh. Sana bangungutin na lang ako. Yung tipong pagtulog ko di na ko magising. Maganda yun eh! no pain!.
pagnamatay ba ako, may iiyak? may masasaktan? may maapektuhan? putang-ina naman oh! alam ko na yung sagot! of course wala! sino ba naman kasi magccare diba? siguro for more than one week paglalamayan nila ako, then move on agad sila. tssk. tang-ina >.<
My God.. how can i escape the reality? im already tired with this life.. there's no reason anymore for me to stay.. Nobody loves me anymore...

Love..

     At first, all I knew about love is that it is a very complex thing, something no one can define. It can’t be described in just one paragraph only. I never believed in love, nor did I wanted to fall into it.

     When I was younger, I thought it wasn’t real. I believed that it was just something people talk about but doesn’t exist. I grew up in a chaotic family, full of quarrels, such a disaster! I believed that love was just a temporary feeling that fades away as time goes by, like what happened between my mother and father. Since I was a little kid, I had witnessed how they fight with each other, blame each other for some stupid mistakes, and how they hurt each other physically and emotionally. I have witnessed how my mother cry every after their fights. I have witnessed how my father valued his pride, and since then I told myself never to fall in love, never to follow the footsteps of my mother.

     But somewhere, somehow, I met this guy. He’s handsome, intelligent and rich, yet a very arrogant guy. I hated him so much. He’d caused me pain, bullied me and made me feel unworthy. I even wanted to take revenge on him for everything he’d done. But… who would have thought that things would turn wrong, that I’d fall for him? I thought it was impossible for me to like him. I tried to deny these feelings to myself. But even though how much I hide these emotions, they still show up. And I realized that the more I ignore this feeling, the more it grows, even much more than it was before. Love is very inevitable. I have tried my best to get rid from it, but it resisted, and now, there’s no turning back.

     Because of this guy, I’ve experienced love. Now, love for me had been unfolded. It’s not undefined anymore, because I already defined it myself. It had changed me. Now, i already believe in it.. and for me, Love is... when I met him. It is the happiness that i feel whenever I'm with him. J




#Jai:)

A - Available : No .
B - Birthday : November 19 :)
C - Crushing on : J:)
D - Drink you last had : Coke . 
E - Easiest person to talk to : Aiden, Analine & Caroline
F - Favorite song : Suddenly - Ina  ♥
G - Grossest Memory : fell on the ground infront of my classmates. ;|
H - Hometown : Hinunangan, Southern Leyte (my father lived there)
I - In love with : J:)
J - Jealous of : the girl my crush loves..
K - Killed someone : No ,
L - Longest friendship : Antonette :)
M - Middle name : Argallon
N - Number of siblings : 5
O - One wish : To have more wishes . haha :P
P - Piercings : None
Q - Question your always asked : "Why?"'
R - Reason to smile : My Family , Friends , Him ♥ .
S - Song you last sang : Walang Iba - Ezra band :))
T - Time you woke up : 6:35 AM
U - Underwear color : Hot Pink ;P
V - Violent moment you had : slap someone with a binder :)))
W - Worst habit : all my habits are bad - idunno what's the worst of them.. haha :P
X - X-rays you had : Nonee .
Y - Your last call : my ex.
Z - Zodiac sign : Scorpio :)

INLOVE? ME? NO WAY!

     Who would have thought that a girl like me, someone who’s afraid to love, someone who’s very scared to get hurt, fell in love head over heels to this loathsome guy?

     For the second time in my life, a single, yes, just ONE boy keep on running through my mind lately, cause me to blush unconsciously, and made me happy just because of thinking about him, is also the reason why I keep myself awake at night, trying to hide the tears. He’s hurting me, though not intentionally, but he did.

     Fuck. I never thought that I am this vulnerable. Vulnerable enough to melt whenever he look at me in the eyes. Vulnerable enough to be caught by his charming smiles. I never thought that I could love like this, again.

     Im the type of girl with a huge pride, with a very big ego. But where is it now? I’ve lost everything. He ruined my life.

     My heart is beating fast. Have I just drank so many cups of coffee that I’m totally nervous? Can’t stop these fast and strong palpitations of my heart. Its seems like, in just a few minutes, I’m going to collapse.

     Just this day, I’ve found out that he’s already in love with someone else. A girl prettier than me, smarter than me.. much better than me. Am I jealous? Well.. maybe? Can’t stop myself from being envious with this lucky girl.

     I told myself never to tell these feelings of mine to anyone else. I doubt they would just misunderstand me. They’d just think of it differently. Some people would just laugh at me. Others will become glad knowing that im hurting so deeply.

     I thought he loves me. He said it himself. But.. I guess he let go. Did he give up on me? Did he give up the love that he felt? Or rather.. maybe love is the one who gave up on us. Maybe love is the one who left us.

     I keep on asking myself “why?”… why am I experiencing this kind of pain? Do I really deserve this? Have I been too bad, a totally evil person, that God gave me these problems?

     I told myself that I should move on. I thought I’ve already did. But just the second that I thought I’ve already forgotten him, he showed up. His voice caused my heart to beat fast, turning me pale. I was totally nervous. But why do I feel like this? Why am I affected with this kind of stuff? Why can’t I just move on? Knowing that im just for fun for him… knowing that he’s not taking me seriously.. What a stupid fool I am!

GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS???!!!

I COULD BE INLOVE.. BUT NOT WITH THIS GUY! NEVER!

ayokong magmahal ..

ayokong pagdaanan yung mga pinagdadaanan ng iba... ayokong umiyak sa mga maliliit na bagay... ayokong maranasan na maging tanga sa pag-ibig... siguro... dahil sa... TAKOT ang isang IVY BALIAD na MASAKTAN..

Usapang magkaibigan

Friend1: ui, first time na hindi pinansin ni "" si Hariz noh?
Friend2: malamang! inaway ni analine eh!
Analine: hala? sorry naman! badtrip kaya ako nun! sa kanya ko nalabas yung galit ko..
ako: haha. okay nga yan eh. nakakita sya ng katapat. akalain mo yun, kay Martian lang pala yun matatakot.

HAHA :))

Valentines Day :)

         Love.. hearts.. balloons.. cakes.. flowers.. that’s what you would immediately think when we talk about Valentine’s Day. So, what’s really with this day? It is the time that we tell our loved ones how we feel for them, say “thank you” to them, and apologize for the mistakes that we’ve done.

Why do we celebrate Valentine’s Day? 

     The history of Valentine's Day  and its patron saint is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains Combination of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition.
     So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.
     According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he Wrote 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is not so clear, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a heroic, sympathetic, and, most importantly a romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages,Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England & France.
What to do during this day?
        In this day, lovers have their dates. They go somewhere and enjoy the company of each other. But how about the loveless? Oh c’mon!  Valentines isn’t only for lovers, but also for the singles, as well. Love isnt just for those who are in a relationship, but also for those who are “alone”. Actually, if you are single, it doesn’t mean that you are “alone”. How about spending Valentines Day with your family and friends? Isn’t it fun? Even if you don’t have a partner this Valentines, you can still express love to them. :)

                Be happy. Valentines is only A DAY. You dont need to find a partner for this only one day. You should find a partner that would stay with you FOREVER. And you still have the rest of the year to find one. Remember, happiness is not based on how many lovers you had. But it is based on how much love you have given and received.

       Millions around  the world celebrate this day to make their love one feel special, love fills the sky, red is seen everywhere and bows, arrows and hearts are hanging on the ceiling. But there’s something wrong with this picture, giving extreme love shouldn’t only happen in one day, it must be done 24 hours a day 7 days a week 52 weeks a year or simply everyday. Remember that!

               Happy Valentines Day everyone! :)

if i were to write a suicide letter, here's what it says ..

Sorrow, pain, it’s all I feel.

Wounds in my heart, it just wouldn’t heal,

I’m tired of crying, tired of keeping these feelings inside,

I feel hopeless, been thinking of committing suicide.

I know it’s wrong, but I can’t take it anymore,

Fuck these thoughts; it leaves me so unsure,

I’m not as strong as you think, I’m so weak and pathetic,

Tired of proving myself, tired of listening to all your critics.

Life’s been so tough for a little girl like me,

Yes, I smile everyday but it doesn’t mean I’m not hurting.

I fell to the trap of pretending to be happy,

But I know I’m not, honestly, I feel lonely.

Some people think that I’m strong,

But no they’re all wrong,

Because inside I seem to be fragile,

There's sadness inside of me that i hide behind my smile.

I don’t want to explain myself more,

Because it would only be useless.

How could you understand me if I can’t even understand myself,

My life’s been so meaningless.

You can say that I’m overacting; you may say anything against me,

Judge me the way you see me, I’ll accept it because that’s reality.

I may tell you that I’m not affected; I may tell you that I’m not hurting.

But only God knows what I feel, He’s the only one who knows everything.

I’ve come to the point where nothing matters anymore,

And things I used to care about aren’t worth fighting for.

It’s over, I’m gonna wipe my tears,

I’m sorry for killing my own life, but I did this with no fears.

--

but im not going to kill myself. Suicide's been on my mind, but i wont do it. k? :)

i still believe in God, and i know these problems have an end. and someday, im gonna be happy. :))

and di diay sya suicide letter.. suicide poem diay ! lol =)

I give up.

Ive had a lot of insecurities,
i've experienced a lot of pain,
I've been through many struggles,
God's been testing my faith  over and over again.

Though i know that i am strong,
but not as strong as you think,
There's this part of me that badly hurts,
my life seems to shrink.

Im maybe too emotional,
but you dont know how it feels,
Its like im shot a million times,
and there's no way to be healed.

Isnt it ironic,
how i hate my own life,
while some other people,
are struggling not to die.

Its not that easy,
to live in this fucked up world,
where people keep on making stories,
and others believe easily on what they heard.

Im too vulnerable,
to God's tests on me.
I think i should give up.
Im tired of my fucked up life already.

i miss this place .. :(

a view from Marangog. :) its an area in the island. :)

Vista! :))) this is a resort owned by my Tito. Actually, its just a NATURAL resort. (if you get what i mean)

a cottage in the Vista beach resort. (There are 4 cottages there). The upper part is the room, while the lower part of it is the "videoke-area".. *anglonely ni tatay! haha :P.. 6 am pa kasi yan eh. katatapos lang namin magkape. haha

a view from the cottage. That island is Baybay, or if im not mistaken, its San Pablo island. im not sure. haha :)

in Marangog! :)) its the best adventure ever!! haha :) the water is part of the Pacific ocean. Actually when we went there, the waves are so big. its really dangerous! we strolled around the island that time. it was so fun! hehe :)))
*adventure na yung masira yung tsinelas ko sa laki ng mga batong tinatapakan namin. :/
Yung nasa pic ay sina Kuya Kulas, Kuya *iforgotthename*, Kuya Mario, at si Kuya Balong.

just got these pictures from my cousin's account.. nawala yung pictures ko ehh :( pero hahanapin ko yung mga yun! haha :))

0000

Hindi nmn talaga ako MANHID. 
Hindi lang talaga ako agad naniniwala sa mga bagay na hindi ako sigurado kung TOTOO.

Forgiveness isnt easy...

They say you can only forgive someone,
when you forget the things they've done,
but how can i forget your mistakes?
when it was the reason why  my life had changed.

Bullies everywhere, its not fun anymore,
Dont you know that my heart's been already torn?
You dont know how much you've hurt me,
you were someone who made my past so lonely.

You dont know how much i've been hurt,
when you told me that i dont have any worth,
since that day i've learned to fight,
to defend myself with all my might.

you never even asked an apology,
oh, now i see.
you dont know you're already hurting me.
Tell me, am i really unworthy?

Oh Lord do i deserve this?
im already begging you with bended knees,
please dont let this person ruin my life,
please dont let me feel more strife.

Im sorry God if i can't forgive him,
i know im also imperfect and i also do wrong,
Someday i might learn to do so,
but today isnt the right time for me to.

#iloveyoubutyouhurtme, but even though how much you've hurt me, i still love you.. Stupid heart, isnt it? </3
$h!T J@i .. ngaNu l0v3 m@n 6hapoN t!ka ???

.

Malapit na ang Valentines Day,
pero sakanya di ko pa nase-say.
na sa totoo ay mahal ko sya,
kahit di ko pinapahalata.

Bakit ang torete nitong puso ko,
ayaw pang umamin sa totoo,
na talagang minamahal ka nito,
ngunit takot lang na mabigo..

Eh kasi naman,
iba ang iyong personalidad,
isa kang mapagbirong tao,
kaya di ko alam kung biro lang rin ba mga sinasabi mo.

Gusto mang maniwala ng puso ko,
ngunit sa aking isipa'y baka masasaktan lang ako.
kaya damdamin ko'y pilit na tinatago,
para na rin di magmukhang tanga sa mata ng mga tao.

Usapang magkaibigan..

My Friends: Nagseselos ka ba sa bestfriend nya?
Ako: Hindi. Bat naman ako magseselos?
My Friends: Because you love him.
Ako: Haha. Hindi kaya. Hahaha.
My Friends: Weh? sino niloloko mo?

Ganyan sila. Kahit di ko sabihin, alam na nila kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Buti pa nga sila naiintindihan ako.
Ayoko mang aminin, pero nagseselos nga ako. Sobrang close kasi nila. Para silang magkasintahan. Aysh. Gusto ko syang kalimutan pero di ko magawa. I tried everything para lang magkagusto ako sa ibang guy pero hindi kaya ng puso ko.
Inaaliw ko sarili ko, pero in the night bago ako matulog, di ko parin mawaglit sa isip ko ang mga "sweet words" na sinabi niya sakin. Yung mga "i love you" at mga banats nya. Di ko pa rin mafigure out kung totoo ba ang mga sinasabi nya, o puro biro lang. Ni hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang intensyon nya.
Parang ewan. Hayss. Hate my life..

#personal.
i'll change my url na lng.. maybe next time..

with Caroline :)

Parehas kaming vain eh! Haha joke :))

:(

Binasa ko ang mga old messages ko.. hanggang sa napunta ako dito..
December 8, 2010 ito nangyari..




[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:14pm
uie maot

[You]
9:14pm
gwapuha nimo aeron uie

[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:14pm
tnx.

[You]

9:14pm
2o sad ka? wew

[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:15pm
ay ikaw diay ako ka chat abi nako c silip maniac!
maau rabag guapa ka!
wala na ibog c jairus nimu!

[You]

9:15pm
ay wa ko nag ingon
unya nangutana kO? wa mn sad ko naibog nya!

[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:16pm
2o kag ganahn c t*****t nimu1
!
in ur dreams
storyaheee@!

[You]
9:16pm
same 2 u

[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:16pm
walay sun dugay philscie baya ka...

[You]
9:16pm
at least katiGo ko! duf!
duh!

[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:17pm
mao na imu gi pang hambog?
bantay ka ni jairus

[You]
9:17pm
nanghambog ko?
palaban kang jairus?

[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:18pm
nag himu na mi ug anti ivy baliad!
haha!

[You]
9:18pm
i dont care
if magpinana mo, it just means that you are really immature

[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:19pm
magpinana unsa na?
mao nang philscie?
sus!
hambogira!


[You]
9:19pm
hambogira?
wats dat?
wa kay common sense?


[Eron Relevo Carungay]
9:19pm
grabi nimu wala ka kaybaw unsay hambogira>
bogo kaman!

[You]
9:20pm
well CS nlng gud
can u enumerate schools that teaches to speak dialect?

Eron is offline.

Alam mo yung.. nakakainis langs.. Naalala ko kung gano ako nasaktan noon. Dahil palagi akong binubully ng mga classmates  namin. Palagi akong umiiyak mag-isa sa kwarto ko. Mas naging emotional ako. At andami kong insecurities noon. Parang di ko feel na worthy ako. di ko feel na may nagmamahal sakin. Parang ewan ang buhay ko noon. 

Pero past is past. Kalimutan na lang natin. Medyo nagchange na rin naman ang boys eh. at tsaka mas nakagain ako ng respect from the boys. 

what almost destroyed me yesterday . . makes me stronger and happier today . . :))

#personal

opinion/

From a quote: 
“If one day you realize I haven't talked to you in a while, it's not that I don't care, it's because you pushed me away and left me there.”


Actually, if you really love me, you can not dare to leave me. Ni hindi mo matitiis na hindi ako makita. pero kung kaya mo akong tiisin, isa lang ibig sabihin nyan. Hindi mo talaga ako minahal. Baka "may feelings" lang, pero hindi "love". :))
At kaya ka pinu-push away ng isang tao, ay para malaman niya kung hanggang saan mo sya kayang ipaglaban. It is a test kung mahal mo ba talaga siya. :)))




/eh kasi tinamaan ako eh. Haha. Lagi ko kasing pinu-push away si "toot", dahil gusto kong iprove if love nya talaga ako. I hope hindi sya susuko. Darating din ang right time magiging kami.. :)) HAHA. oa ko! :P

What i really feel..

i choose to hide my feelings to myself,
like a book left unread in a shelf,
i feel useless and nobody cares,
so insecure and scared to people's stares.

Do you know how it feels like,
to feel that there's nothing right in my life,
random thoughts are spilling on my head now,
remembering your promises and vows.

you told me that you love me,
is it real or just a fancy?
am i going to believe on your love?
or should i wait until you effort enough?

i cant sleep because of you,
i keep on imagining about us two,
its driving me insane,
asking myself if you really felt the same.

PAGOD NA KONG UMASA! :(

Parang gusto kong umabsent sa Valentines program.. :/
Ayoko syang makita!!! :(

January 27

i feel pathetic,
i feel weak,
i feel like falling
im just lovesick..

you used to be my inspiration,
but you turned out to be the opposite,
thought my life would be happy,
but thew more you complicated it.

sick of trying,
tired of everything,
am i just an option to you?
just a second choice? just nothing?

im not begging you to love me,
but at least dont hurt me,
i won't expect you to feel the same,
but please be true to what you say.

Dont tell me you love me,
if you really dont,
dont tell me you will stay,
if you really wont.

Just when i thought i've already moved on,
you showed up.
just when i thought im over you,
the feelings came rushing back.

Why did i have to fall inlove with you?
its just hurting me so bad.
maybe i should forget you,
but i cant stop myself to remember the memories we had.

you're a big part of me,
someone so special in my heart.
but please dont break it,
please dont leave me torn apart.

Kinikilig pa rin ako ng dahil sa kanya, kahit alam kong puro BIRO lang ang sinasabi niya.
*ano daw meron sa "24"? .. di ko rin alam. basta lucky number ko kasi yun!! Duh! Haha..
wag kasi maging tsismosa!! :PP

hate this feeling.. :(

They think that i am happy,
seeing me smile and laugh,
they're unaware that i feel lonely,
i feel like im not enough.

Sometimes i feel,
like no one understands me anymore,
the scars in my heart still haven't healed,
im left alone uncertain and unsure.

They tell me to stay strong,
but if they could just see in my perspective,
they would realize that everything's wrong,
in this kind of life i live.

im tired of living up to people's expectation,
think im just nothing,
i am only an option,
never would be someone's everything.

the smile that i wear everyday,
is only a mirage to fool others,
for them to think that i am happy,
but the truth is, im not really.

some things are hurting me,
draining me physically and mentally,
something's bothering me lately,
ending me up crying silently.

i really dont know if im worthy,
or am i only a sort of trashy?
someone that can be dumped anytime,
can be thrown away when you changed your mind.

i feel devastated and incomplete,
seems like my world is breaking underneath my feet,
im just a kid searching for genuine happiness,
i need someone to love me so intense.

Her emotions..

She lays in bed at night,
with her teddy bear on her side,
every night she hugs it tight,
as she cries the emotions she feel inside.

She's still contemplating her thoughts,
though its already 2 o clock in the dawn,
the pain she feels is like a knife that cuts,
deeper and deeper through an already open wound.

Around her family and peers,
she puts on a smile on her face,
She tries to stop the tears,
she's been doing so for many days.

But behind close doors,
she's an emotional wreck,
can not stop the tears that pours,
neither can she put on that smile that she fake.

She wants to break loose from this pain,
but she dont quite know how,
these thoughts are turning her insane,
all she needs is to be alone right now.

She stands there watching with tears in her eyes,
as her world slowly begins to crumble beneath her feet.
facing the mirror she wear a smile as disguise,
not to show others that she feels shit.

She wishes things could've turned out differently,
not like what it is now,
she feels lost and empty,
wanting to be happy but dont know how.

In the morning nothing had changed,
she still wear that fake smile,
the people around doesnt know its just a mirage,
theyre unaware that she cries once in a while.

Theyre oblivious to the pain she feel inside,
doesnt know that she's hurt,
this is her life,
still figuring out whats her worth.

Barkada ko.. PART 2 :P

L-R: Abigaile, Carmela, Florie, Caroline, Mikah, ako, Analine..

• Abigaile-- sya ang pinakaNANING (peace!) at "pinakadalaga na".. Hindi na yan katulad sa amin na naglalaro pa.. Haha :)
• Carmela- sya ang pinakaprangka ! sya ang nagtatanggol sa amin pag merong nambubully.. Lalo na ako kasi palagi akong binubully ng isang classmate namin.. (secret na lang kung sino.. lol)
• Florie-- sya ang nagkaboyfriend na ng napakarami! Haha.. 15 na ata naging bf nya? haha..
• Caroline-- sya ang pinakamaganda. hehe.. i like her kasi compatible ang attitudes namin :))
• Mikah-- pinakacute sa amin! tsaka isip-bata.. (lol peace!).. masyadong maingay yan pag naglalaro sila ni Hannah :P
• ako?? uhm, pinakapangit ! lol :P
• Analine- sya ang pinakamabait sa amin! , sponsor namin ng paper. (lol) tsaka dream nya maging artista someday :))

L-R: Mikah, Hannah, ako, Aiden

• Hannah-- cute rin yan! mahiyain yan noon, pero ngayon magkatulad  na sila ni mikah na maingay! :P silang dalawa lang ata ni aiden ang ayaw magpapicture! Haha!
• Aiden-- mabait yan! pero mahiyain.. mas gusto nyang mapag-isa minsan.. hindi sya tomboy! may crush rin yan, ayaw lang sabihin! :P lol

Ganito kami. Iba-iba ang katangian, pero matibay ang pagkakaibigan. Hindi man kami kasing popular ng ibang barkada. Hindi man kaming lahat ang honor students. Hindi man kami masyadong pumupunta sa mga malls para mag-enjoy. Pero meron kaming panindigan. at hindi kami katulad ng ibang barkada na naninira ng iba. Hindi kami yung tipong namba-backstab sa kapwa kabarkada. Hindi kami naa-out of place pag magkasama kami.

someone asked me: "if ever meron ka pang chance, babalik ka pa ba sa dati mong barkada?"-- sagot ko? No way! i wont do that! Masaya ako kung san ako ngayon. Contented na ko sa x143. at hindi ko iiwan ang mga taong tumulong sakin in the worst part of my life. Dahil dito ko mas nakilala ang sarili ko. Dito ako mas sumaya. at dito ko natutunan kung ano ang real meaning ng FRIENDSHIP :)))

#personal to.. wala naman sigurong makakabasa diba? Unless kung stalker ka :P Haha..

BARKADA KO :))

x143 kung tawagin namin,
FWENDZTERZ ang original name,
ano man ang pangalan ng aming grupo,
ang friendship sa isa't isa ay never na magbabago.
January 4 namin ito itinatag,
di ko nga akalaing ako'y kanilang matatanggap,
kasi galing ako sa ibang barkada,
na umiba ng landas dahil sa problema.
Oo nagkaroon ako noon ng problema,
at tanging ang x143 lang ang sa akin nakaunawa,
sila ang tumulong sakin nang mga panahong yun,
sila lang ang nanatili saking tabi noon.
kaya laking pasasalamat ko sakanila,
dahil sila ang dahilan bakit pananaw ko sa buhay ay nag-iba,
they brought out the best in me,
at dahil sa kanila mas nakilala ko ang aking sarili.

..wa nako'y masumpay!! Haha :P

:(

PA-FALL KA MASYADO PRE! >:(
KUNG DI MO NAMAN TALAGA AKO MAHAL, WAG KA NG MAGPANGGAP!!
HINDI YUNG PINAASA MO AKO!
ANGSAKIT NA EH! :((
BWISET NA BUHAY TO OH! KAINISSS!!
PANO KUNG MAINLOVE NA KO NANG TULUYAN SAYO??! IIWAN MO LANG AKO BIGLA?? SHEEET 0.o

:(

i feel as if im nothing but shit to you..
i feel as if i can be easily pushed aside..
im just an option while you're my priority.. :(

Jan 18...

As the dawn breaks,
and the clock strikes three,
while my family are still sleeping,
im here alone crying silently.

feeling so depressed,
for the second time in my life,
a boy had broken my heart,
my feelings are merely jealousy and strife.

i thought you love me,
but i guess i've been a fool,
you made me hope for nothing,
how could you be so cruel?

these tears i tried to hide,
'cause nobody might understand,
i tried hard to forget you,
but i just really can't.

Sometimes i question God,
for all the problems i've been through,
i thought you're the one for me,
but you turned into a hoe.

i lie to myself,
just to make it bearable,
why can't you love me?
am i unlovable?

another day had passed,
you're already with someone new,
can we go back to the past?
i want to ask that to you.

but if she makes you happy,
then i'd just let you go,
but the moment that she doesn't,
i'm only here waiting for you.

SHE...

She's just someone ordinary,
not a popular girl in the city,
she always put a smile on her face,
and tries to hide the tears in her own ways.

She feels like nobody loves her,
she never felt someone's care,
she feels very pathetic,
trying to stop the tears whenever she hears people's critics.

People keep on criticizing her,
they never knew what she really feel,
she made herself strong,
to overcome the problems all along.

She shows everyone that she's happy,
even though she really feel empty,
look at her in the eyes,
and you can find the sadness she hides.

...

i was smiling because i dont want them to worry.. i was laughing because i dont want to show that im not happy..
maybe im a great pretender..
you can call me a liar..
but if ever i tell them what i really feel,
would they care??
im just enough of rejections..
i dont want to be ignored..
i just wanna feel that there's someone out there who's still loving me despite of my imperfections..

i love J..... :)

it was the 6th day of June,
i woke up with my alarm tone,
i was excited for the first day of classes,
a new chapter of my life has just started.

as i walk in the corridor,
i saw a guy whose bag is green colored,
i looked at him and he smiled,
it feels like my world stopped for a while.

i can feel the moving wind,
as i continue walking to find my friend,
there i saw her in the quadrangle,
with our  new classmates she mingled.

When the flag ceremony was through,
we went to search for room twenty-two,
there i found the boy i saw,
sitting on a chair in the third row.

How shocked i was!
i can't believe we're in only one class.
i asked him his name,
his voice made me insane. (adik?)

after 3 months or four,
i was able to know him more,
he's cute, kind, and cheerful,
someone i've been wishing for.

i think im already falling inlove,
Oh, my life's been so tough!
im loving a person who can't love me in return,
all i can do is to hope, cry and mourn.

Now we're already in second year,
different sections?! oh dear!
maybe we're not really for each other,
'cause fate wont allow us to be together.

i just saw him with another lady,
his smile is an obvious sign that he's happy,
its making me fall apart,
to see him with her makes me bitter like tart.

inside of me i think i should move on,
and life must keep on going on,
but i just can't understand why,
im still hoping that he'd realize..

He'd realize that he's better with me,
but i think he already fell for that lady,
so i guess i should give up,
and accept that im just not lucky enough when it comes to love..

..

Maybe im just paranoid.. i get too scared to things i shouldn't be scared of.. i get too attached to persons i must avoid.. i love someone i know couldn't love me back.. and i keep on crying when i know i should  be moving on.

But what's wrong with loving? Why can't i have a happy lovestory? Why cant i have a life with only a little problems to worry about??

..This is my life.. full of questions yet unanswered.. full of problems yet unsolved.. :|

-----------

Buh-bye :)) gonna study for the exam tomorrow :))

wla lang.. i just feel so depressed.. :\

..today, i saw him with her.. Know how it feels? it hurts.. Yeah, it hurts, a lot..
..im already tired of loving, tired of hoping, and tired of crying..
..he treats me like im only an object.. i think he thought that i dont have any feelings.. or did he really planned to hurt me this way?
..between the two of us, am i the only one who loves? only one who hurts? only one who cries every night? is this love onesided?
..i cant take it anymore.. There were times that i want to give up.. Deep inside, i know i should move on.. But how? if whenever i see him, the feelings keep on going back..
..im already scared.. what if i'd fall for him too hard?? i dont want to feel broken again!
But just one smile from him, it seems like im ready to cry just to be happy for a while..
..i tried hard to forget him.. i even put my attention to other things just to avoid thinking about him..
..i dont want to fall inlove again.. i already know that feeling and it sucks.. i dont want to look as stupid as i was before in my past..
.. if ever i would fall for him, will he be willing to catch me??.. i guess he wont.. and that hurts the most.. :(

---

Advance happy birthday to my father.. :))

God...

           im thankful that you have given me life, that i have my friends and my family. Im thankful because i am able to go to school, and to eat three times a day. i know that compared to other people, im much more fortunate.

        God, im sorry if i give problems to my parents. Sorry if sometimes i break the trust of other people. Im sorry if im too rude sometimes. im sorry if sometimes i feel discontented with the things that i have.. im sorry God for all the mistakes that i've did these past few days..

       But you know what God, im already tired. tired of the challenges you give me, tired of everything in my life. It feels like i've done nothing good. It feels like im just nothing to everyone. 

i always paint a smile on my face. i always laugh out loud infront of many people.. but how long should i pretend that im happy? how long should i pretend that im okay? that nothing's bothering me? that i dont have any problem?

       im getting too tired, God. You're the only one who knows how it badly hurts me.

God, if these problems are only a test of my faith on you, please give me enough courage and strength to overcome them...

:)

:\ i promise you, as long as you're trying, im staying...

tired of pretending,
these emotions i've been hiding,
i tried to show that i dont care,
tell me, am i being unfair?

i know you've been trying to tell me,
about your feelings that you can't say,
but i dont think its enough,
for me to believe your love.

you know i've been hurt once,
and it felt like im shot by a million guns,
i dont want that to happen again,
i dont want to feel so much pain.

im sorry if im breaking your heart,
but honestly, in my life you're a big part,
i hope you could wait for the right day,
please just keep on trying and i promise i will stay.

:((((((

i told myself not to cry.. that i shouldn't let myself be affected.. But.. The heck! Can't control these emotions I've been hiding..

God! What's wrong with me? Why can't he like me? Does he hate me? Why does he always treat me this way?

Isnt these sufferings enough?! I want to die!! im tired of my life!! :(

Di ko lang maintindihan,
andaming tanong saking isipan,
Mahal mo ba talaga ako?
o ito lamang ay pakitang-tao?

Sabi mo mahal mo ko,
pero sino yang kasama mo?
Oo na aaminin ko,
nagseselos ako ng todo.

Akala ko bestfriend mo lang sya,
yun pala may something na,
Ok lang tanggap ko naman,
kasi sa kanya wala akong laban.

Pero natatandaan mo pa ba?
Sabi mo sakin mahal mo kong talaga,
Eh ako naman tong tanga,
agad-agad naniwala.

Sana di na lang umasa,
ako ay nagkamali lang pala,
kala ko kasi mahal mo ko,
yun pala hindi totoo.

Dapat na siguro akong sumuko,
nang di na masaktan pang lalo,
pero ito ang aking pangako sayo,
mamahalin pa rin kita hangga't kaya ko.