Who would have thought that a girl like me, someone who’s afraid to love, someone who’s very scared to get hurt, fell in love head over heels to this loathsome guy?
For the second time in my life, a single, yes, just ONE boy keep on running through my mind lately, cause me to blush unconsciously, and made me happy just because of thinking about him, is also the reason why I keep myself awake at night, trying to hide the tears. He’s hurting me, though not intentionally, but he did.
Fuck. I never thought that I am this vulnerable. Vulnerable enough to melt whenever he look at me in the eyes. Vulnerable enough to be caught by his charming smiles. I never thought that I could love like this, again.
Im the type of girl with a huge pride, with a very big ego. But where is it now? I’ve lost everything. He ruined my life.
My heart is beating fast. Have I just drank so many cups of coffee that I’m totally nervous? Can’t stop these fast and strong palpitations of my heart. Its seems like, in just a few minutes, I’m going to collapse.
Just this day, I’ve found out that he’s already in love with someone else. A girl prettier than me, smarter than me.. much better than me. Am I jealous? Well.. maybe? Can’t stop myself from being envious with this lucky girl.
I told myself never to tell these feelings of mine to anyone else. I doubt they would just misunderstand me. They’d just think of it differently. Some people would just laugh at me. Others will become glad knowing that im hurting so deeply.
I thought he loves me. He said it himself. But.. I guess he let go. Did he give up on me? Did he give up the love that he felt? Or rather.. maybe love is the one who gave up on us. Maybe love is the one who left us.
I keep on asking myself “why?”… why am I experiencing this kind of pain? Do I really deserve this? Have I been too bad, a totally evil person, that God gave me these problems?
I told myself that I should move on. I thought I’ve already did. But just the second that I thought I’ve already forgotten him, he showed up. His voice caused my heart to beat fast, turning me pale. I was totally nervous. But why do I feel like this? Why am I affected with this kind of stuff? Why can’t I just move on? Knowing that im just for fun for him… knowing that he’s not taking me seriously.. What a stupid fool I am!
GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS???!!!
I COULD BE INLOVE.. BUT NOT WITH THIS GUY! NEVER!