Regrets :\

   Twenty-seventh day of the month.. our special day, the day that we (or am I only?) treasure the most. We decided to give each other a gift. He said he wants a letter so I gave him one. On that letter contains the words I've been longing to tell him, phrases that describe my emotions. I wrote there the feelings that I've hidden, and now, I'm full of regrets. It's like my pride was lost. i hate it but it's so BADUY! I haven't seen the way he reacted when he read it but I can imagine him laughing. It was like a deja vu, sad to say that it happened again. The only difference is that I "voluntarily" gave a letter to my first love (3 years ago), while to this guy, he was the one who asked for it. Every night i think about it and I just can't help but to worry because he didn't call nor text me since he read the letter. I'm scared on what he would say.
   I saw his pictures together with his friend, and it's like bitterness overflowed through my heart. Jealousy has stricken me. I want him to pay his attention only to me, but then it dwelled in my mind that I don't have the right to.. I'm just a "FAKE-GIRLFRIEND." We're not really lovers and in the first place, he didn't court me. Though he told me that he loves me, but there isn't a commitment between the two of us. I'm just assuming, and I don't have any little bit of right to blame him for being with someone else.

#iMYJai</3

iMissThis!

i miss the band members. i miss my band uniform, i miss my lyre. i miss everything. haha. Epic face. XD

Analine :)

If there's one person that I would treasure the most forever, i think it's Analine.She's not my closest friend nor my best friend, but she's the only person who understands me and patiently stays beside me. She's always there to listen to my endless rants about my problems in life. She gives me advices like a real sister does. She values every little thing that everyone give her. Through ups and downs, she's just there ready to help me, and catch me when i fall. She's truly a gift from God to me.
  Unfortunately, her family got a big problem and there's a great possibility that they would transfer home. i hope it won't happen. i dont want to lose a one-of-a-kind friend like her.

#imGonnaMissYouMartian;(

-__-

Masakit yung hindi ka kayang mahalin ng taong mahal mo ng sobra .. pero may masakit pa dun .. yung mahal mo sya, mahal ka nya, pero di ka naman kayang ipaglaban sa iba.
-__- i hate it ! f*ck this thing they call LOVE ! :(

#alam mo yung feeling na parang kami, parang hindi -- M.U ? Malabong usapan eh ! Okaay, ayoko na lang mag-assume. Nag-"I love you" nga sya pero wala namang promise diba ? Walang niligawan, walang sinagot. Walang COMMITMENT. kaya wag ka ng umasa!! Shocks. -__-

"I WANT TO BE HER"

   That's what i always hear from people. Some of them wishes to be me, but oh c'mon! If you get into my position and see life in my own perspective, you surely wouldn't want to be me. I see life as very complicated. Mine is falling apart, I've got my own set of problems and i face a lot of challenges in my life. But i'm used to this kind of pain anyways. I've learned to go with the flow. I've learned to play life's games. It's making me crazy, though, because it's hard to put on the proper smile. There are times that the problem is too big that faking a smile is the least and hardest thing i could do..
   In this kind of life i live, i realized that not all people would stay, some of them would leave, and others just don't care .. i feel alone, like an outcast in the family. I feel like no one would stay by me until the end, like no one could understand me anymore. But then I've got these friends of mine. They're the ones whom i share my secrets with. They make me happy - or rather make me smile & laugh. And with that, i realized that God is still good to me. Now, i don't feel happy, though i don't feel sad, it's just a neutral feeling, just a plain one, emotionless maybe? But i know, I'm sure, that I am blessed and that's enough reason for me to be grateful for my life. It's enough reason for me to smile even though i'm hurting deep inside.

ambot nako !

   Sleepless nights and restless days .. i feel sick and tired , not physically but emotionally ... my mind just wont stop thinking about what's happening in my life, about the things that i've done, and about the things that i heard from other people ... i know these problems are just God's way to test my faith for Him , but isn't this enough ? i mean, i just got tired ! My life's just like a cycle .. i feel happy now but sad later , happy again then feel sad over and over again .. maybe i can say that i've never been genuinely happy, like my body intricated into masking all the lowly stumped feelings i've always had, shoved in a hidden keepsake locked deep down in my heart ...
   its just that something always tries to ruin the moment whenever i feel happy .. the joyous feeling is just a temporary one , that fades away after a short period of time .. it was like a "high on life" adrenaline , felt for just an hour or two .. the happiness left as quick as they came ... was i ever really happy ? that's the question in my mind .. -_-

nganu na man kooo ???

   i've been rude to you , i was so mean , i showed you my bad side , and told you that i don't care for you .. i've built these walls to know if you really love me , if you love me enough to climb up those walls .. i thought you would fight for me , but i guess i was wrong .. you gave up easily .. you valued your pride much more than you valued me .. and it hurts to see that the spark between us faded away .. it hurts to know that you're not in love with me anymore .. it hurts to see you with someone new .. but i can't blame you .. i admit it was my fault , and im sorry about that.. :(

#iLoveJ.

random thoughts ..

BALIAD , that's my last name .. the way most people call me ... but i realized i'm not that person anymore .. i mean, Baliad is already dead .. she was that weak little girl who allow her classmates to underestimate her .. now, im HARIZ, the stronger one .. the girl who doesn't allow anyone to step over her ..
   that's why as much as possible , i don't want to be called "Baliad" anymore .. i have a name ! is it hard to call me with my first name ? is it hard to call me HARIZ ??!!

im sorry ... :(

   Actually, ginusto ko rin naman to eh .. i wanted to be strong, strong enough that nobody would think that i am inferior to them.. strong enough to defend myself whenever they criticize me.. but i never expected that being strong means to become coldhearted .. i never wished to be like this .. its not part of what i prayed to God .. but maybe this is what i need, to avoid from getting hurt .. i know im too selfish to say that i'd rather hurt others than to let myself get hurt .. but, isn't it my time to be happy ? all my life i've been growing up in a world where im never enough, where im not appreciated, and where my mistakes are greatly observed by others .. so tell me , isn't it my time to be happy now ? im sorry if im already hurting someone else because of my harsh words and mean acts, but i just learned it from other people .. its just a cycle .. a cycle that will never cease ..

March 10 - Saturday

   i hate this feeling .. i look like crazy, thinking about the events that happened, laughing alone and blushing unconsciously. This sense of longingness, longing to see him everyday. The way my heart flutters whenever he go near me ..
   Thoughts of him are still lingering in my mind .. the way he hugged me that day .. is there a reason behind that hug ? the way he smiled to me showing a spark in his eyes .. and the way he make an effort for him to see me ..
  Yet, im confused.. confused with those things that he do. Does he really love me, or does he have another purpose ? i dont know what his intention is, whether it is good or bad .. Some months ago, he told me, he even said it aloud, that he would never fall for me .. then why is he running after me now ?
   im so confused ... i don't know how to figure out anymore the right and the wrong .. because in everything that i do, there's always a consequence .. and i dont want my happiness to turn into sadness ..

Confused :\

   Confusion .. that's what i feel now .. You know that feeling when love and hate collide ? That time when you need to choose between happiness and pride .. In my mind, i hate him, but my heart says that i love him .. i want to show him what i really feel, but at the same time, i want to show him that i hate him ..

:|

... i dont think you remember what you told me that day, and you have no clue how much i think about that .. it's in my head all of the damned time . -_-
You said you would never fall for me ..
Then why are you still running after me now ?

.

Someday, bonggacious ako wedding .. NANGANGARAP? haha XD.

.mas bongga pa sa mga previous decorations ni Tatay! HAHA :P

joke ra bitaw ui. :) pics diay na sa mga kasal nga

gidecorate.an sa ako father. 

Reminiscing the Past ...

    Because of Facebook’s new feature, Timeline, I was able to view my posts before. It hurts to see those comments and messages that contain hurtful words. People were just so mean. They treated me as if I was just an object, a numb thing that couldn’t feel pain. If they just know how they affected me…

    I realized that there were a lot of changes in me, not just physically but also emotionally. I noticed that I have grown up. I’m not that little girl anymore. I’m not that child being bullied by her classmates. I became a lady, a strong and courageous one.

    I remember back then, I was a very pathetic person. Though I have never shown others, I have cried a hundred times when I was alone, because of the unjust criticisms they told about me. Those judgmental looks of them, observing every move I make and every step I take. The way they judged my looks and laugh on what I wear. Those stupid glares whenever I make a small mistake. Those were just the times. Bad times. The moments that changed me into a better person. Memories that I don’t want to remember anymore. Those were just part of my horrible past.

    They say to forgive is to forget. So, do I need to have an amnesia before I forgive those people? How can I forget the things that they’ve done? How can I forget the past, if it has been a big part of my life.. because it was the reason why my vision for life had changed. Why I hated life and why I wanted to end my fuckin’ life.

    Yes, I want to forgive the people behind those memories, but every time I see them, every time I hear them talk, I begin to remember every detail of my horrible past… and end up getting hurt again..

March 1, 2012

Lying on her bed,
with plenty of thoughts in her head,
a liter of tears she had already shed,
just for a guy who never even cared.

a million flashbacks in her mind,
reminiscing the memories they left behind,
convincing herself that she'll be fine,
maybe not now but at the right time.

She always ask God,
if she's already very bad,
and if He's already mad,
for letting something ruin the friendship they once got?

Those moments turns into memories,
and happiness turns into agony,
his vows are signs of his deceit and dishonesty,
that proves that promises are just meant to be broken, really.

Deep inside she knows,
that she has to move on and close,
close the box of memories and cease to mourn,
'cause those were just pictures to burn.