lalalala :P

Parang first time na hindi lang puro "love" ang nasa isip ko.. hindi lang puro crushes ang pinoproblema ko.. ngayon, Im thinking about my life.. bakit ba puno ito ng kamalasan? puno ng mga problemang parang imposibleng isolve. Parang mas gusto ko pang mag-answer ng isandaang math equations kesa pagdaanan ang sangkatutak na mga problema.
Bat pa ba ako magtataka? ito naman talaga ang reality diba? ito ang buhay, puno ng problema. ika'nga nila, life and suffering can never be separated. Weh? Di nga? .. eh pwede mag-escape na lang sa reality? God, kunin mo na lang kasi ako oh... Sabi nila duwag daw yung mga nagpapakamatay kasi di nila kayang harapin ang katotohanan ng buhay. Pero alam ba nilang mas duwag ang mga taong nasa isip na yun pero di magawa? kasi di lang naman nila nagagawa yun dahil takot sila kung ano man ang naghihintay sa kanila sa kabilang buhay. Oo, duwag ako. Inaamin ko yun. Sa dinami-dami ba naman kasi ng mga kasalanang nagawa ko, sigurado na kong sa hell ako mapupunta. Yan lang naman ang kinatatakutan ko eh. yan lang ang dahilan kung bakit di ko magawa ang tinatawag nilang suicide..
Ngayon ko lang naranasan tong parang mag-isa na lang ako. Ang tanging importante na lang sa akin ay ang mga kaibigan ko. Ayokong iwan sila.
Ba't ganun? kung sino pa yung akala ko kakampi ko until the end, iniwan ako sa ere? akala ko sila ang makakapitan ko pag may problema. akala ko forever silang mags-stay. Yun pala hindi ko kakampi sa buhay ang aking pamilya. Ngayon ko mas naramdaman na im not part of our family. para lang akong invisible sa kanilang paningin.. parang.. ewan..
What if tumalon na lang ako sa tulay? o iligaw ko sarili ko sa kakahuyan at magpakain sa leon? o kaya magbigti? laslas na lang kaya? Tssk. Nakakainis naman eh. Sana bangungutin na lang ako. Yung tipong pagtulog ko di na ko magising. Maganda yun eh! no pain!.
pagnamatay ba ako, may iiyak? may masasaktan? may maapektuhan? putang-ina naman oh! alam ko na yung sagot! of course wala! sino ba naman kasi magccare diba? siguro for more than one week paglalamayan nila ako, then move on agad sila. tssk. tang-ina >.<
My God.. how can i escape the reality? im already tired with this life.. there's no reason anymore for me to stay.. Nobody loves me anymore...

Love..

     At first, all I knew about love is that it is a very complex thing, something no one can define. It can’t be described in just one paragraph only. I never believed in love, nor did I wanted to fall into it.

     When I was younger, I thought it wasn’t real. I believed that it was just something people talk about but doesn’t exist. I grew up in a chaotic family, full of quarrels, such a disaster! I believed that love was just a temporary feeling that fades away as time goes by, like what happened between my mother and father. Since I was a little kid, I had witnessed how they fight with each other, blame each other for some stupid mistakes, and how they hurt each other physically and emotionally. I have witnessed how my mother cry every after their fights. I have witnessed how my father valued his pride, and since then I told myself never to fall in love, never to follow the footsteps of my mother.

     But somewhere, somehow, I met this guy. He’s handsome, intelligent and rich, yet a very arrogant guy. I hated him so much. He’d caused me pain, bullied me and made me feel unworthy. I even wanted to take revenge on him for everything he’d done. But… who would have thought that things would turn wrong, that I’d fall for him? I thought it was impossible for me to like him. I tried to deny these feelings to myself. But even though how much I hide these emotions, they still show up. And I realized that the more I ignore this feeling, the more it grows, even much more than it was before. Love is very inevitable. I have tried my best to get rid from it, but it resisted, and now, there’s no turning back.

     Because of this guy, I’ve experienced love. Now, love for me had been unfolded. It’s not undefined anymore, because I already defined it myself. It had changed me. Now, i already believe in it.. and for me, Love is... when I met him. It is the happiness that i feel whenever I'm with him. J




#Jai:)

A - Available : No .
B - Birthday : November 19 :)
C - Crushing on : J:)
D - Drink you last had : Coke . 
E - Easiest person to talk to : Aiden, Analine & Caroline
F - Favorite song : Suddenly - Ina  ♥
G - Grossest Memory : fell on the ground infront of my classmates. ;|
H - Hometown : Hinunangan, Southern Leyte (my father lived there)
I - In love with : J:)
J - Jealous of : the girl my crush loves..
K - Killed someone : No ,
L - Longest friendship : Antonette :)
M - Middle name : Argallon
N - Number of siblings : 5
O - One wish : To have more wishes . haha :P
P - Piercings : None
Q - Question your always asked : "Why?"'
R - Reason to smile : My Family , Friends , Him ♥ .
S - Song you last sang : Walang Iba - Ezra band :))
T - Time you woke up : 6:35 AM
U - Underwear color : Hot Pink ;P
V - Violent moment you had : slap someone with a binder :)))
W - Worst habit : all my habits are bad - idunno what's the worst of them.. haha :P
X - X-rays you had : Nonee .
Y - Your last call : my ex.
Z - Zodiac sign : Scorpio :)

INLOVE? ME? NO WAY!

     Who would have thought that a girl like me, someone who’s afraid to love, someone who’s very scared to get hurt, fell in love head over heels to this loathsome guy?

     For the second time in my life, a single, yes, just ONE boy keep on running through my mind lately, cause me to blush unconsciously, and made me happy just because of thinking about him, is also the reason why I keep myself awake at night, trying to hide the tears. He’s hurting me, though not intentionally, but he did.

     Fuck. I never thought that I am this vulnerable. Vulnerable enough to melt whenever he look at me in the eyes. Vulnerable enough to be caught by his charming smiles. I never thought that I could love like this, again.

     Im the type of girl with a huge pride, with a very big ego. But where is it now? I’ve lost everything. He ruined my life.

     My heart is beating fast. Have I just drank so many cups of coffee that I’m totally nervous? Can’t stop these fast and strong palpitations of my heart. Its seems like, in just a few minutes, I’m going to collapse.

     Just this day, I’ve found out that he’s already in love with someone else. A girl prettier than me, smarter than me.. much better than me. Am I jealous? Well.. maybe? Can’t stop myself from being envious with this lucky girl.

     I told myself never to tell these feelings of mine to anyone else. I doubt they would just misunderstand me. They’d just think of it differently. Some people would just laugh at me. Others will become glad knowing that im hurting so deeply.

     I thought he loves me. He said it himself. But.. I guess he let go. Did he give up on me? Did he give up the love that he felt? Or rather.. maybe love is the one who gave up on us. Maybe love is the one who left us.

     I keep on asking myself “why?”… why am I experiencing this kind of pain? Do I really deserve this? Have I been too bad, a totally evil person, that God gave me these problems?

     I told myself that I should move on. I thought I’ve already did. But just the second that I thought I’ve already forgotten him, he showed up. His voice caused my heart to beat fast, turning me pale. I was totally nervous. But why do I feel like this? Why am I affected with this kind of stuff? Why can’t I just move on? Knowing that im just for fun for him… knowing that he’s not taking me seriously.. What a stupid fool I am!

GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS???!!!

I COULD BE INLOVE.. BUT NOT WITH THIS GUY! NEVER!

ayokong magmahal ..

ayokong pagdaanan yung mga pinagdadaanan ng iba... ayokong umiyak sa mga maliliit na bagay... ayokong maranasan na maging tanga sa pag-ibig... siguro... dahil sa... TAKOT ang isang IVY BALIAD na MASAKTAN..

Usapang magkaibigan

Friend1: ui, first time na hindi pinansin ni "" si Hariz noh?
Friend2: malamang! inaway ni analine eh!
Analine: hala? sorry naman! badtrip kaya ako nun! sa kanya ko nalabas yung galit ko..
ako: haha. okay nga yan eh. nakakita sya ng katapat. akalain mo yun, kay Martian lang pala yun matatakot.

HAHA :))

Valentines Day :)

         Love.. hearts.. balloons.. cakes.. flowers.. that’s what you would immediately think when we talk about Valentine’s Day. So, what’s really with this day? It is the time that we tell our loved ones how we feel for them, say “thank you” to them, and apologize for the mistakes that we’ve done.

Why do we celebrate Valentine’s Day? 

     The history of Valentine's Day  and its patron saint is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains Combination of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition.
     So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.
     According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he Wrote 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is not so clear, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a heroic, sympathetic, and, most importantly a romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages,Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England & France.
What to do during this day?
        In this day, lovers have their dates. They go somewhere and enjoy the company of each other. But how about the loveless? Oh c’mon!  Valentines isn’t only for lovers, but also for the singles, as well. Love isnt just for those who are in a relationship, but also for those who are “alone”. Actually, if you are single, it doesn’t mean that you are “alone”. How about spending Valentines Day with your family and friends? Isn’t it fun? Even if you don’t have a partner this Valentines, you can still express love to them. :)

                Be happy. Valentines is only A DAY. You dont need to find a partner for this only one day. You should find a partner that would stay with you FOREVER. And you still have the rest of the year to find one. Remember, happiness is not based on how many lovers you had. But it is based on how much love you have given and received.

       Millions around  the world celebrate this day to make their love one feel special, love fills the sky, red is seen everywhere and bows, arrows and hearts are hanging on the ceiling. But there’s something wrong with this picture, giving extreme love shouldn’t only happen in one day, it must be done 24 hours a day 7 days a week 52 weeks a year or simply everyday. Remember that!

               Happy Valentines Day everyone! :)

if i were to write a suicide letter, here's what it says ..

Sorrow, pain, it’s all I feel.

Wounds in my heart, it just wouldn’t heal,

I’m tired of crying, tired of keeping these feelings inside,

I feel hopeless, been thinking of committing suicide.

I know it’s wrong, but I can’t take it anymore,

Fuck these thoughts; it leaves me so unsure,

I’m not as strong as you think, I’m so weak and pathetic,

Tired of proving myself, tired of listening to all your critics.

Life’s been so tough for a little girl like me,

Yes, I smile everyday but it doesn’t mean I’m not hurting.

I fell to the trap of pretending to be happy,

But I know I’m not, honestly, I feel lonely.

Some people think that I’m strong,

But no they’re all wrong,

Because inside I seem to be fragile,

There's sadness inside of me that i hide behind my smile.

I don’t want to explain myself more,

Because it would only be useless.

How could you understand me if I can’t even understand myself,

My life’s been so meaningless.

You can say that I’m overacting; you may say anything against me,

Judge me the way you see me, I’ll accept it because that’s reality.

I may tell you that I’m not affected; I may tell you that I’m not hurting.

But only God knows what I feel, He’s the only one who knows everything.

I’ve come to the point where nothing matters anymore,

And things I used to care about aren’t worth fighting for.

It’s over, I’m gonna wipe my tears,

I’m sorry for killing my own life, but I did this with no fears.

--

but im not going to kill myself. Suicide's been on my mind, but i wont do it. k? :)

i still believe in God, and i know these problems have an end. and someday, im gonna be happy. :))

and di diay sya suicide letter.. suicide poem diay ! lol =)

I give up.

Ive had a lot of insecurities,
i've experienced a lot of pain,
I've been through many struggles,
God's been testing my faith  over and over again.

Though i know that i am strong,
but not as strong as you think,
There's this part of me that badly hurts,
my life seems to shrink.

Im maybe too emotional,
but you dont know how it feels,
Its like im shot a million times,
and there's no way to be healed.

Isnt it ironic,
how i hate my own life,
while some other people,
are struggling not to die.

Its not that easy,
to live in this fucked up world,
where people keep on making stories,
and others believe easily on what they heard.

Im too vulnerable,
to God's tests on me.
I think i should give up.
Im tired of my fucked up life already.

i miss this place .. :(

a view from Marangog. :) its an area in the island. :)

Vista! :))) this is a resort owned by my Tito. Actually, its just a NATURAL resort. (if you get what i mean)

a cottage in the Vista beach resort. (There are 4 cottages there). The upper part is the room, while the lower part of it is the "videoke-area".. *anglonely ni tatay! haha :P.. 6 am pa kasi yan eh. katatapos lang namin magkape. haha

a view from the cottage. That island is Baybay, or if im not mistaken, its San Pablo island. im not sure. haha :)

in Marangog! :)) its the best adventure ever!! haha :) the water is part of the Pacific ocean. Actually when we went there, the waves are so big. its really dangerous! we strolled around the island that time. it was so fun! hehe :)))
*adventure na yung masira yung tsinelas ko sa laki ng mga batong tinatapakan namin. :/
Yung nasa pic ay sina Kuya Kulas, Kuya *iforgotthename*, Kuya Mario, at si Kuya Balong.

just got these pictures from my cousin's account.. nawala yung pictures ko ehh :( pero hahanapin ko yung mga yun! haha :))

0000

Hindi nmn talaga ako MANHID. 
Hindi lang talaga ako agad naniniwala sa mga bagay na hindi ako sigurado kung TOTOO.

Forgiveness isnt easy...

They say you can only forgive someone,
when you forget the things they've done,
but how can i forget your mistakes?
when it was the reason why  my life had changed.

Bullies everywhere, its not fun anymore,
Dont you know that my heart's been already torn?
You dont know how much you've hurt me,
you were someone who made my past so lonely.

You dont know how much i've been hurt,
when you told me that i dont have any worth,
since that day i've learned to fight,
to defend myself with all my might.

you never even asked an apology,
oh, now i see.
you dont know you're already hurting me.
Tell me, am i really unworthy?

Oh Lord do i deserve this?
im already begging you with bended knees,
please dont let this person ruin my life,
please dont let me feel more strife.

Im sorry God if i can't forgive him,
i know im also imperfect and i also do wrong,
Someday i might learn to do so,
but today isnt the right time for me to.

#iloveyoubutyouhurtme, but even though how much you've hurt me, i still love you.. Stupid heart, isnt it? </3
$h!T J@i .. ngaNu l0v3 m@n 6hapoN t!ka ???

.

Malapit na ang Valentines Day,
pero sakanya di ko pa nase-say.
na sa totoo ay mahal ko sya,
kahit di ko pinapahalata.

Bakit ang torete nitong puso ko,
ayaw pang umamin sa totoo,
na talagang minamahal ka nito,
ngunit takot lang na mabigo..

Eh kasi naman,
iba ang iyong personalidad,
isa kang mapagbirong tao,
kaya di ko alam kung biro lang rin ba mga sinasabi mo.

Gusto mang maniwala ng puso ko,
ngunit sa aking isipa'y baka masasaktan lang ako.
kaya damdamin ko'y pilit na tinatago,
para na rin di magmukhang tanga sa mata ng mga tao.

Usapang magkaibigan..

My Friends: Nagseselos ka ba sa bestfriend nya?
Ako: Hindi. Bat naman ako magseselos?
My Friends: Because you love him.
Ako: Haha. Hindi kaya. Hahaha.
My Friends: Weh? sino niloloko mo?

Ganyan sila. Kahit di ko sabihin, alam na nila kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Buti pa nga sila naiintindihan ako.
Ayoko mang aminin, pero nagseselos nga ako. Sobrang close kasi nila. Para silang magkasintahan. Aysh. Gusto ko syang kalimutan pero di ko magawa. I tried everything para lang magkagusto ako sa ibang guy pero hindi kaya ng puso ko.
Inaaliw ko sarili ko, pero in the night bago ako matulog, di ko parin mawaglit sa isip ko ang mga "sweet words" na sinabi niya sakin. Yung mga "i love you" at mga banats nya. Di ko pa rin mafigure out kung totoo ba ang mga sinasabi nya, o puro biro lang. Ni hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang intensyon nya.
Parang ewan. Hayss. Hate my life..

#personal.
i'll change my url na lng.. maybe next time..